Troubles With Word

Matthew Kirshenblatt

The new animated paper clip?

"I have one simple question for you, Eddie. For starters." Mike stared into his captive's eyes, "Where is the single space option?"

"I - I don't know what you're talking about."

"The single space option. The single space option," Mike sighed, "The one that allows you to lump great amounts of text together into a block or semi-block paragraph."

"I don't know what you're -- aggh!"

Mike punched him. In the face. Hard.

This is common sense
"That is your first warning. You know damn well what I'm talking about. The single space option. The single space option that has existed in every writing program and application since Windows 3.0. Perhaps even before that. The one that existed alongside a clear, steady upper tool bar with the options 'File,' 'Edit,' 'View, 'Insert,' 'Tools' with a much needed Spell-Checker, and 'Help.' So, I'm going to ask you again -- where is the single space option?"

"Please, my superiors told me nothing ..."

"Your superiors are irrelevant. This is common sense. I'll ask you again. Where is it?"

"Y-you're holding it. R-right in your hand!"

"This? You mean this?" Mike quivered with rage as he shoved the piece of paper in Eddie's terrified eyes, "This is double-space. At the least, 1.5 spacing. Don't pull that structural bullshit on me, you cock-sucking little bastard!"

He kicked the chair the other was tied to, causing him to yelp as he fell to his side, "Where is the single space option, motherfucker!?"

"I don't know! I. Don't. Know!" tears streamed down Eddie's cheeks, "Please."

Mike pulled something out. It clicked long and silver as he aimed it at the fallen man's head.

"P-please don't ..."

"Where. Is. The. Single. Space. Option."

"I - I ... wait. Could it ... could be in ..." the man's lips moved without any more sound.

"Yes? Yes? I haven't got all day, you know!"

"Wait. Wait. Try ... try ... Paragraph!"

Mike looked down at Eddie. Consideringly.

"Paragraph ..."

"Yes! Please God ... yes!"

"Hmm," he put his gun back into his coat sleeve, "One moment."

He went away. Eddie, tied to the chair on the floor sobbed. And he waited. And he waited. Finally, he heard footsteps. He felt the chair get lifted up.

He found himself sitting up again. His captor faced him. In his hand was a white sheet of paper. "Single space, right?" he said in even tones.


Mike's mouth was pressed into a grim line. He turned the piece of paper around. There were words, single-spaced words on the document. But there was something else. The top of the words, on each line were cut off.

Mike sighed, "I guess we're going to have to do this the hard way then," he pulled out a knife.

"Oh. Oh God no."

"Where is the single space option," his eyes turned into venomous slits, "And how do I get Times New Roman, you bitch!"

© Matthew Kirshenblatt 2008 All Rights Reserved

Date and time of last update 23:41 Tue 11 Nov 2008
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